


Tonight

by mcgarrygirl78, westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-31
Updated: 2006-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:46:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78, https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: She is looking at me, mentally thinking of all the things she will pack when she gets home.





	Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Tonight**

**by:** Montiese and Vega 

**Character(s):** CJ, Leo, Toby  
**Pairing(s):** Leo/CJ  
**Category(s):** Angst, Romance   
**Rating:** MATURE  
**Summary:** She is looking at me, mentally thinking of all the things she will pack when she gets home.  
**Spoiler:** 3-01 "Manchester I"; Episode: 3-02 "Manchester II"  
**Written:** 2006-05-11  
**Author's Note:** This was written in October 2005 before the death of John Spencer. It was lost in the mire, I found it again, and we both decided it was time to post it. _Italics_ mean the characters are talking to themselves. 

_Please, please God do not let him be coming down the hall. Please_. She could not face him, not right now. Not right after she had so publicly blown it to hell. Press secretaries did not do this sort of thing, and the wife of Leo McGarry would never dream of it. She had no clue, no concept at all, of how to fix it. She wouldn't be able to answer why she hadn't cleaned up the gaffe in the pressroom. There was no way to clean it up now; but CJ had to come up with something. Anything that would make her look more professional than she looked right now. If he walked into Carol's office this afternoon, it meant she was out of a job. Leo would ask for her resignation by the end of business today. _Please God, let him stay in his office._

*** 

_I do not want to talk to her. I don't want to sit and pontificate about what she will see as the biggest mistake of her life. I believe what I said to Toby, 'CJ does not make mistakes'. She meant what she said, and it was true. Nevertheless, she should not have said it._ Fifteen briefings a day for too many days to count. Then Oliver Babish grilled her over words that may or may not have been said and things she really knew nothing about. She was the only member of the staff Leo had to tell about the MS. The President of the United States made him look his wife in the eye and tell her that he had MS. Leo wanted to kill him for that. CJ was still reeling from the death of Mrs. Landingham…he was the only one who knew how that truly affected her. 

_I do not want to go in there and bench her. I have to but I don't want to do it. It's not my fault…it is my fault._ Henry was her deputy; they paid him to handle some of the load. Simon Glazer too, and a host of other members of the Communications staff. CJ was the only person on the senior staff constantly thrust in the line of fire. Leo sacrificed Josh more than once; Toby could sacrifice Sam. CJ was the sacrificial lamb for the entire Bartlet White House. _She is going to be decapitated and I have to cut off her head. All I want to do is hold her in my arms and kiss away the tears that haven't come but inevitably will. I want to retreat into our bubble and pretend this massive political mire around us no longer exists._

What would he do when she offered her resignation? How could he ask her to stay when he himself could not think of one reason she would want to? He could not ask her to do it for him; it was against everything they stood for. What did they stand for? What did they stand for when they weren't standing by each other and the President was sacrificing CJ for a mistake he made? _I can't do this…I can't put him on one side and her on the other. She is the Press Secretary first, and she screwed up royally. She is my wife second. She is barely my wife. She is my new wife and I have never loved anyone more. She is my wife and I fear she may not love me anymore._

OK, stop thinking McGarry and do it. You have to get to Manchester. She has to get to Manchester. No one wants to go to Manchester. 

*** 

_Somehow, he is looking at me. The diamond on my finger, the diamond that signifies so much, is heavy on me. I know his visit here is professional not personal. I have to suck it up and deal with it, as the Press Secretary and not his wife. What was I thinking when I thought our marriage could work? He is pissed. God he is pissed. He is pissed at me; he is pissed at himself. No, mostly he is pissed at me. I have to resign. I will offer the resignation and make him take it. The Administration cannot be bogged down in this…Henry will make a wonderful Press Secretary._

CJ looked up at him standing in her doorway and read everything he was thinking just from his eyes. From the second they laid eyes on each other he had read hers. She hated him right now; hated his job and hers. She wanted him to hold her and tell her it was going to be OK even if it wasn't. But he was White House Chief of Staff and he had to fix this. She hated him, yet never loved him so much. He at least knew how to push it away and put the job first. He stood in her doorway and was going to bench her. _No Leo, please don't. Ask for my resignation but don't take my legs out from under me. I can fix this. No Leo, no please. Anything but this. Please._

He stared at her and CJ finally locked eyes with him. The air in the room ceased to move. She felt her heart stop beating and waited for the ax to fall. 

*** 

_Move McGarry. Walk into the room, bench her, and get it over with. She knows it is coming…I can see it in her eyes. I have never seen that much pain in her eyes. Baby, forgive me for what I am about to do. We have to be professional about this. You are not my wife right now; you are an employee. An employee who is overworked, has been getting no sleep, and has been throwing up though eating next to nothing. I don't know how to make it better…I don't know if it will ever be better. Maybe the day we are booted out of here I can stop putting you last. How can you possibly love me after all I have put us through?_

"You're out for a while. Pack it up…we're going to Manchester." 

He didn't look at her face, just turned and walked out of the room. Leo had to do it as Patton would. No room for argument or time to see the devastation in her eyes. He started to buckle just a few feet from her office. Tried, but just couldn't take another step. Not forward into the hallway and bullpen; not back toward where she sat. CJ was suddenly behind him, helping steady his stance. They would have all seen it…seen the White House Chief of Staff crumble like a distraught husband and not the second most powerful man in the world. She helped him back into the office and closed the door. 

"You get a B for execution, Leopold; the dismount was a bit stiff. I especially loved the part when you turned your back on me and walked out. I'm resigning. I am not packing because I am not going to Manchester." 

"You are going to Manchester. You are out for a while but you will be back. I should have done it a long time ago to prevent this but lately this White House likes to clean up after the explosion. There is enough blame to go around." 

There certainly was, and it was going to start at the top. They had to go into reelection mode and Leo had no idea how they would do that. Bruno and his people were there and it was quickly turning into a pissing contest that he did not have the patience for. He didn't like that Sam seemed to making goo-goo eyes at Connie and that Bruno undressed CJ with his eyes whenever she was in spitting distance. He didn't like that they could not get Jed Bartlet reelected without him. He was sure Josh and Toby were doing something he didn't like but had no time to think about what it could be. 

"I love you so much Claudia Jean, I can't even comprehend it. This is going to tear us apart but even when it does please know that." 

_She is looking at me, mentally thinking of all the things she has to pack when she gets home. She will leave most of the designer dresses; the Donna Karans and Max Maras will go with her. She will take every birthday gift I ever gave her but leave the engagement ring and wedding band on the dresser. She will take the pictures from Charlie's impromptu 22nd birthday party, but not a single wedding photo. CJ is leaving me…I can feel it. California, here I come, isn't that how the saying goes._

He stood from her couch, brushed off his slacks and cleared his throat. 

"You are coming to Manchester, CJ. Air Force One leaves tonight at seven. It won't always be like this." 

It was a lie and Leo hated lying to her. It was worse because she knew he was lying; she always knew. Everything had become a lie and he knew she could not live her life like that. He lived like that for way too long. The only honesty he knew was getting ready to run out on him. 

*** 

_I choke a bit on my answer to him, taking a second to look away from him and find my wall to hide behind. He managed to scale that wall so long ago; hiding behind it now is futile. He is going to find me and I hate that about him right now. He lied to me, he benched me, and he can find me. Does he even know? Does he really understand why I am angry? He may be too busy searching for me to realize. Speak Claudia Jean…open your mouth and put voice to thought._

"I will be on the plane tonight. After the trip, after we get the expected bump in the polls, I'm resigning. I can't have this…" 

"CJ…" 

"Stop it Leo." 

She had to be the professional here. There was so much work on her desk and she knew most of it would still be there when she boarded the plane. She had so much and he had even more. 

"We will get our bump and I will exit quietly." 

She knew, as she looked at him, that he believed leaving the Bartlet Administration meant leaving him too. _Dammit McGarry, don't you know me better than that?_

"Leo, I _am_ resigning, I _am not_ divorcing you. But I swear to God if you don't get that look off your face it will not be a completely distant notion." 

She felt her anger again pushing aside rational thought. Damn them, damn them all to hell for all of it. She had a right to be pissed off and CJ would not let them take it from her. _If they would have just let me send in a deputy, maybe…no. This is my fault. Even if I could have, I wouldn't have. They have other jobs to do. It is my job to be on the front line and today I failed my commander in chief. Does it matter that he failed me too?_

"That is my last word Leo. So, if you don't mind, I need to brief Henry." 

"This is just for the Haiti thing CJ. Nancy McNally will be doing all briefings concerning the situation. We would never take you off of the podium completely." _Don't you know that?_ "We want you handling the press corps in Manchester for the speech." 

"Yeah. I have to brief now." 

_Yes Leo, take my legs out from under me in situations where the military is a factor. It's not like this hasn't happened before. How long will it take to get my credibility back this time? It doesn't matter; I will off the podium for good the day after tomorrow. I am pissed at him, myself, and the whole damn situation. I need my husband right now and my boss is all he can be._

*** 

"OK." 

_That's all you have to say McGarry? The woman you love is hurting and all you have to say is OK_. He opened the door and looked at her. Her eyes said it all; they begged him to hold her. _'I know I screwed up big time but I need you to be my Leopold and wrap me up in your arms.'_ He swallowed and just stared at her, willing himself not to rush to her. _I love you Claudia Jean. I don't want to do this but I have to_. He needed her to understand. He prayed she understood. 

"Stop staring at me." She said, finally breaking eye contact. 

"Never. You will get through this. You are CJ McGarry." He felt the need to remind her of that. How could he really believe she would resign but not divorce him? It was unbelievable. He knew CJ. She couldn't leave the White House and lay down next to it every night for the next two to six years. Leo was the job, and as much as he ached, it was why he could not comfort her. He was supposed to be the angry Chief of Staff. He was the angry Chief of Staff. 

"We'll talk tonight in New Hampshire. There may be a few moments of peace there." 

"Yeah, that's possible." 

"Yeah. I have to go, baby." That slipped…he had not intended to say that. They promised not to use terms of endearment in the West Wing. Not even after Rosslyn when he had to stand by and watch her stand alone on that podium. He wanted to hold her, shield her from the pain and endless questions. He had to stand with the President instead. He wanted to stand with the President though. Jed Bartlet had been shot and Leo had not felt a fear like that in too many years to count. Again, the office of the President came before his wife…today might be the final time that was so. 

CJ looked at him and the tears brimmed in her eyes. She was struggling not to blink; it would reveal her weakness. It would reveal Leo's weakness too, seeing her in tears would bring him to his knees. He turned and walked out instead, choking on his unhappiness. On days like this, he wished he had swallowed Bartlet for America with a glass of scotch. 

The Communications Director was waiting for him when he came back from his office. Where was Margaret; she was excellent at keeping the world at bay. 

"It's a speech Leo, not rocket science. I do not need him to help me write it." 

"Toby, this is a reelection campaign coming on the heels of MS, a death in the family, a monumental flub, and an independent counsel investigation. Sit down with the damned bald kid and write!" 

"CJ is coming to Manchester right?" Toby asked carefully. 

"Yeah." His voice sounded distant to the both of them. Leo thought of returning home to a half-empty closet and never again smelling White Shoulders on his sheets. On his clothes, on his skin… 

"OK. Well, I have to pack some things, so, um…yeah OK." Toby sighed and went to leave the room. 

"Wait." 

He turned and looked at Leo as the Chief of Staff swallowed his pride. He definitely needed a scotch chaser to go with that. 

"I need to ask you a favor and you have every right to say no." 

Toby just stared at him, knowing what was coming. He wanted to beat the Chief of Staff within an inch of his life; it had been brewing since the moment CJ told him that she was in love with Leo McGarry. He knew he would hurt her. He knew that in the end there was going to be nothing but pain. Why would he help him now? 

"What?" 

"CJ…" Leo nearly winced under Toby's hard stare. He closed the door, leaned on it, took a breath, and came back. "CJ is going to resign after the speech in Manchester. I need you to somehow talk her down from it." 

"As the White House Communications Director it is my job to tell you that she should resign. This thing over Haiti just blew any kind of invasion policy being set up." 

Leo knew Toby was pissed at him. 

"I know that Toby. I also know we can't live without her." 

"We can't or you can't?" 

Toby stopped himself. He wanted to come down on him with the wrath of best friendship. But then he remembered CJ never rubbed the Leadership Breakfast in his face. And he remembered that she was a phenomenon when she was out there with the press. So much so that he didn't know what he could and could not tell her sometimes. The sign of a good Press Secretary was that the line blurred. She had an obligation to both the President and the American public and CJ walked the line as if she were in Cirque De Soleil. 

"Toby, it is also your job, as White House Communications Director, to do what is best for the team. You need to talk to her about resigning and make her see it is not good for us." 

"Because you can't." Toby clarified. 

"It is not my place. If I do, she will mistake me for her husband and not her boss." 

"That is a line that is easy to blur." He glared at Leo. "Yeah, I'll talk to her." 

"Thank you." 

Leo knew Toby had to get back to the bald kid, Bruno and everything else that had been heaped on him. Meanwhile, he had to go and try to find a way to save the world again since he had no idea how he was going to save his marriage. 

*** 

Leo loved Manchester this time of year…he always had. But now other things weighed on his mind, like it being the third time in the hour since he arrived at the farm that he called the number. Another strategy meeting on the Haiti situation just ended. The whole thing was a disaster and they were insane if they thought it would take one second of press away from the MS. They knew special prosecutors were ready to dig into things that had nothing to do with this, like Josh's PTSD, Sam's "friend", and Leo's pills. This could not end anyway but badly and October 30th rang in Leo's ears like hells bells. 

'This is CJ McGarry. Leave a message.' 

**BEEP!** "It concerns me that this is the third time I have called you and gotten no answer. I honestly expected you to be here an hour ago. I need to know that you are alright CJ…I have a queasy feeling in my stomach. Please call me. I love you, baby." 

A few minutes later after lighting his umpteenth cigarette as he sat and watched the horses, his cell phone vibrated. 

"Stop harassing me Leopold; I am driving. I will be there soon and I love you too." 

He could hear her tone, not angry just begrudged. He knew how inundated both of their minds were right now. Taking a deep inhale of carbon monoxide, Leo dropped his phone into his pocket. Try as he might, it was hard to see on the other side of this. 

"We are all going out for drinks tonight." Toby said. 

He was suddenly right beside him and Leo looked at his wife's best friend. 

"Yeah." 

"Yours is not the only marriage stumbling right now." 

"Yeah, but it is the one some think can be sacrificed for the greater good." Leo replied. 

"Don't let them…nevermind. Haiti, flubs, and MS can only take some of the blame for what will happen over the next 36 hours or so." 

"Yeah." 

"I figure I don't need to be clearer." Toby said. 

"Have you ever needed to be, with me?" 

"No." 

"OK then. I have a thing." 

"Yeah. Break a leg or something." 

"Thanks, I think. Toby you know…" 

"Yeah. Go." 

Leo nodded and headed back to the house. 

*** 

At the New Hampshire state line, CJ pulled over and lit a cigarette. She didn't light up much anymore; Leo didn't like the smell of cigarettes on her and it did not look good for the face of the Administration to be puffing away on cancer sticks as they fought big tobacco tooth and nail. So she took moments like this one, at a rusty rest stop, to pollute her lungs. She also responded to her husband's annoying voicemails and tried to maintain her sanity. CJ didn't want to be here. She wanted to be packing her office, but this needed to be done. She had not come this far to let someone take the credit for her hard work. Simon was going to make a great Press Secretary. 

She had not been lying when she told Leo just a few minutes before that she loved him. Still, she was in the midst of the scenario that made her apprehensive of marriage in the first place. Mixing work and love only ended in complete heartache and, oh boy, was she feeling it. She wanted to run but she could never run from him. Her heart wouldn't let her and duty called. 

This rented car could not take her as far as she wanted to go and if she left the state, like she wanted to, someone would definitely notice. Toby would start calling and her husband would send out the troops. Everyone else headed for the hotel after the plane landed, but she needed air. So she sat at the New Hampshire state line, wondering what exactly she was going to do after the President gave that speech. 

CJ's phone chirped and she looked at the display. Toby's text message looked at her in the harsh green light. 'Come drink with us and I will kick your ass at pool.' She always told him she did not know how to play…it was part of their game. He would con her into playing for money; she would lose the first two, and come back and kill him when they went for double or nothing. Tonight she didn't want to go double or nothing; real life teetered on the brink of it. Double or nothing…and this time it meant everything. 

*** 

Leo found a few minutes to himself after the last Haiti meeting of the night and more time with the President. He called Nancy McNally in DC and then stood on the back porch of the farmhouse. He would try to count the stars. He had not done that since he was in Sierra-Tucson; that was the last time he felt so lost. Every time he did it, it reminded him of the vastness of the world. No matter how crazy things were, how out of control his life felt, he was a splattered bug on the outline of these stars. 

CJ had been there and gone; hardly said ten words to him. She chatted with Toby and even went into a ten-minute huddle with Josh that left Leo wondering what could possible be next. A cup of black coffee and a cigarette might help him calm down. Well, probably not but Leo could pretend it would. He needed her close tonight…needed to feel her love and warmth like a blanket. It wasn't going to happen. 

It burned him that Toby could get her to open up in ways he could not. Was he telling her jokes right now? Making her laugh? Talking about some thing in their past that Leo was not privy to? Would she rub his beard as he had seen her do too many times to count and maybe let him wrap his arms around her? He couldn't blame Toby for being her best friend. But he was her husband; she chose to spend the rest of her life with him. She chose to be at his side. Where was she now? In some Manchester bar fighting back her pain and sadness with martinis and wine. Flirting with Bruno Gianelli just so she can feel something other than bile in her stomach. CJ was a flirt; Leo loved that about her. She could make a man feel like he was the only man in the room. An inappropriate touch, a little laugh …dammit if Bruno touched her Leo might have to spend the night in jail. 

_I have to cut the Clint Eastwood routine. Going to the bar might not be the best idea you ever had but you need to check on the kids. Margaret is there too, you know she doesn't like to drink too much and no one will look after her. They are all dealing with the MS still, some better than others._ The constant clashes with Bruno and his staff only worsened as the deadline approached for the speech to be locked. The President was antsy and anyone with a quarter of a brain did not want to be in the same room with the First Lady. _I have to grab the reigns and stop this uncontrollable wagon before it goes over the cliff_. His phone buzzed and he grabbed it out of his pocket, looking at the text message. 

'Get down here. I know it is a bar but you have to do a sweep. Bruno the Buzzard is ready to swoop down.' 

Dammit! Leo took a deep breath and lit another cigarette. He left the steaming mug of coffee on the railing and started the short walk to the bar. Buttons on his phone clicked with expert precision. 

'Yeah. I'm on my way.' 

*** 

_Even drunk, I can sense him from a mile away. But tonight my Leo sense only has to work from here to the other side of the bar. I am so pissed. He talked to Toby and I am pissed. Pissed enough not to want to go home with him. But at the same time, he is my husband. Here in Manchester for a few hours while the moon is up…he can be Leopold and I can be Claudia Jean. This can't linger while we have this moment. I know he has been smoking and I bet I pulled him away from coffee, but if this night is going to salvageable at all, he is going to have to break up the party. He is doing it as we speak, not even looking at me._

Leo did look at her as everyone walked out of the bar single file. His eyes seemed empty and CJ yearned to reach out to him. She didn't want to be mad at him anymore, just at their jobs. She wasn't smart enough to protect them. But he did bench her, and she wanted an apology for that. CJ knew it was his decision, it was a bad call, and it angered her. She didn't say it though; she just fell in step with him as they walked out of the bar. She yearned to touch him, but it was Leo who stopped them after two blocks of silence and put his hand on her arm. 

"Claudia Jean…" 

"Leo I...I want to talk OK? Just not here. We cannot do this in the middle of the street. We will talk inside." 

She let him take her hand and they continued the few blocks to the hotel in silence. Sam somehow stumbled into Connie's room, Josh into Donna's and Margaret into Bruno's but CJ doubted Leo saw any of that. Foremost in his mind was his own crumbling relationship. Campaign sex would have to take a backseat. CJ felt his fingers play with her engagement ring as they walked up the stairs. _I swear I am not leaving you. At least I pray this doesn't tear us apart. Nothing will if this doesn't._ Somewhere in the numbness of her heart, she was trying to come to terms with what happened. She didn't think he was and that was bothersome. 

_I am sure she is still thinking about what she will pack and what she will leave behind. It's why I touch her wedding band, trying to find a way through the wall she's built up. She doesn't want to be hurt anymore but I can't promise her that. Right now, all I want to do is love her…take her to bed, make love to her and break down the barrier brick by brick. I know she won't let me. Maybe she will let me hold her. Just maybe I can feel her in my arms one more time._

Leo closed the door behind them, daring to initiate the first touch. His arms moved around her waist and he put his head on her shoulder, whispering his love for her into her back. 

_God, I love him too. But what is this shit? Does he think I am going to get over this with some sweet words? I am not Jenny, and even she got tired of it after a while. I really have to stop comparing myself to her, that can't be good for us. She is nothing like me and Leo is not that man…my husband is not her husband. But I cannot resist him, his touch, or the way he lets me make the next move. I can't resist the electricity that crackles whenever he is within 25 feet of me._

She leaned into him a bit, resting her weight against his. Both took deep breaths and tried to hold back the tidal wave of emotion threatening to overtake them. They were desperate to be the McGarrys for a little while, to let go of the work. Even if work was affecting being the McGarrys right now. 

"How are we ever really going to separate the White House from our marriage, Leo?" 

"I don't know." He whispered into her shoulder. "I don't know, baby." 

She was still so angry, and had no idea how to release or control her rage. All she wanted was for her husband to hold her. Tomorrow when he was not her boss she could let go on him. Right now, she needed to hold him too. They had sworn never to let personal and professional mix, but how naïve was that? They were married and served the leader of the Free World; their personal and professional lives were the same. CJ didn't even know how long she would have him before his pager or his cell phone whisked him to the next emergency. 

Leo touched her spine and she flinched, putting some space between their bodies. For as much as she reminded herself of how much she loved him, CJ didn't want tenderness. Tenderness would make her fall apart, and she could not do that on the eve of one of the most important speeches in political history. 

"Fuck me, Leo." She hardly whispered it but he heard her. "Please fuck me." 

He didn't even kiss her while his hands cupped her breasts through her blouse. Leo ripped the shirt open. CJ needed _this_ now. 

*** 

"Oh God." 

She smelled so good; tasted so good. She hardly whimpered when Leo bit her nipple too hard, and the mark he left on her neck would be there for at least a couple of days. It would probably be hidden by her hair. He slammed her into the door and CJ grunted. There were no muffled whispers, no giggles, no 'oh Leos' or 'yeah babys'. It was coarse, and as they slipped further into the abyss, Leo started to feel like a savage. He could never, ever hurt her. She didn't need this; they didn't need this. Their lovemaking was the cornerstone in the romance of their relationship. He refused to turn that into something painful. 

"Wait CJ, stop it." 

He pulled back about a foot as she opened her eyes at the loss of contact. They were glazed over, only showing sadness and pain. There was none of the rapture Leo was used to. 

"I'm not going to do this." Leo's tone was defiant. 

"What do you mean?" 

All CJ wore was a pair of skimpy panties that would normally send Leo into orgasmic overload. Tonight it just added to her vulnerability. Her blouse lay in a tattered mess on the floor and bruises already appeared on her fair skin. What the hell happened? What had almost happened? 

"Leo, what do you mean?" 

"I am never going to hurt you." He replied. "Not with our lovemaking." 

"I did not ask for your tenderness…I asked you to fuck me. It never bothered you before." 

"Well it does now. You don't want this, and we certainly don't need it." 

"Don't you dare tell me what I need! I don't need your lecture or your bullshit. I need my husband!" 

"You say you don't need me, but you'll use my body? You want me to brutalize you and think that will make you feel better. What about how it makes me feel? What about what it does to our marriage? What the hell is the matter with you CJ?" 

"Get out!" 

The tears finally came and CJ succumbed to them. It made her furious, she hated to cry, but she couldn't fight it anymore. Leo couldn't remember how many times he heard her say that tears were a sign of weakness. How many times he watched her suck them back. But not tonight. 

"I can't handle this, Leo." She sobbed. 

"Claudia Jean…" 

"Don't call me that! Please just go, sleep at the farmhouse." 

"I will not leave you like this. This is your husband talking…please, baby." 

She shook her head, trying to control the trembling. CJ stared at the tattered remnants of a very expensive silk blouse, thinking how they symbolized her life in this moment. She went to the bed, rooting through her duffle bag for anything to cover herself. She found a ratty purple tee shirt, finally pulling it over her head after standing still for what seemed like eternity. 

"I want you to leave. If you won't fuck me, just leave. You've let me down enough tonight." 

"I want to talk CJ. I don't want to let you down anymore." 

"What is there to talk about? I think you have said your piece. How the hell could you tell Toby what I told you in confidence?" 

"I was trying to save the Press Secretary's job!" he exclaimed. 

"Bullshit! You were trying to save our marriage by taking the back door. I told you I was not leaving you and I don't need a babysitter." 

"You say that but you are distancing yourself from me right now." 

"I need space Leo. You benched me and I need to think about what to do next. Do you want me to play Holly fucking Homemaker? I resent the fact that suddenly things I tell you are not to be believed or up for public debate. You had no right to play good cop/bad cop with my best friend." 

"I was scared. I am scared. I only did what I thought was best." 

"Oh please." She rolled her eyes and lit a cigarette, anything to piss him off. She wanted him to feel some of her pain. CJ didn't know was he was too numb to take the bait. 

"Do you think I can't be scared, CJ? That I can't worry for you and for us?" 

"You don't have the time, Leo." She was crying again. "You have to protect him; I have to protect him. I can't do both anymore." 

"Don't walk out on us." 

The sentence came out before his chest constricted. Leo gasped for air as the tears came fast, hot and in no danger of stopping. CJ looked at him with frightened blue eyes. Her mind flashed for a moment to the fact that she has never seen him cry, not even on their wedding day. 

"I'm…I'm…oh God, Leo." 

"Please Claudia Jean, just let me hold you. You are slipping through my fingers and I am slipping off the straight line." 

*** 

_For just a moment, I am truly in shock. He has never cried in front of me before and I know I have given him reason to on more than one occasion. But here he is, leaning against the door, and tears are streaming down his face. He looks so beautiful, though I have caused him such pain._

"Leo…" CJ found her legs, running over to his waiting arms. "I'm right here. Honey, I'm right here." 

The anger on the surface evaporated as she held him. She knew she was still hurting but this moment had to be about them. They had to work it out as a couple before even dreaming of tackling the rest. Leo crushed her against his body, clinging tightly while burying his face in her shoulder. He tried to get a hold of himself as CJ held him, rubbing his back and whispering nonsense in his ear. 

They make it over to the bed together, and after removing the tee shirt CJ curled around him as they found comfort on the old hotel bed. Fully dressed husband; nearly naked wife. Any other night they would have been all over each other. He always made it so sexy, taking her against his body when he was dressed and she was not. It made her feel so wanton, so hot. But tonight he just held her in his strong arms, and it didn't matter that he was six inches shorter than she. He made it work as he always had. No words were spoken, no sounds except for CJ's racing heart and Leo's sobs. She sat up, reaching for the tissues when she couldn't take it anymore. She wiped his eyes before handing another tissue to him. 

"Blow your nose before you drown, honey." She said. 

For a moment, he just looked at her, as if he did not understand her words. Then he just laughed. The insanity of the moment crumbled and Leo's laughter was full and contagious. The tension drained from CJ's body; her giggles turned into full-blown guffaws. It only lasted for a moment, but when they both looked back, that moment changed everything. 

*** 

The laughter subsided and left the couple staring at each other. There were still tears in CJ's eyes and Leo wiped them away, adding in one more sniffle before it was completely over. 

"I love you so much, Claudia Jean." 

"I love you, too." 

Leo took her into his arms and once again she curled around him. He loved that feeling, taking and giving energy until they were completely in sync with each other. Again, the room was silent except for breathing; Leo thought he heard his heart beating in his ear. Maybe it was CJ's. 

"I told Toby because I didn't know what else to do. I really wasn't going through the back door. If I can't reach you baby, I know he can." 

"I'm still resigning tomorrow Leo. You can't fix everything. I think its for the best…maybe its time." 

"That doesn't make any sense, CJ. We have hardly gotten in the game. This too shall pass." 

CJ didn't say anything else and Leo let it drop. He couldn't handle another argument; all he wanted was rest. CJ sighed and he pulled her even closer. She unbuttoned his shirt, sitting up some and untangling her limbs from his. He didn't like her body being so far away but had been wearing the suit for almost 15 hours. Nothing unusual, but tonight it felt as if it weighed a ton. 

"Lets get you undressed Leopold." She said with a faint glimpse of a smile. 

He swore he saw a flash of the old twinkle in her eye as she loosened the tie and pulled it over his head. Leo ran his hand down her naked shoulder and arm as the shirt he wore and the tee shirt underneath came off. He kicked off his shoes and CJ moved to the bottom of the bed. She pulled off his socks and the slacks he had unzipped. She looked in his eyes, blue locked with hazel, and the boxers flew. Shivering a bit from the sudden exposure, Leo moaned and pulled her to him in a smoldering kiss. CJ sighed against his mouth, a sexy sigh that let him know it was what she wanted. They both pulled away breathless; looked at each other again. 

"Make love to me Leo." 

"Are you sure?" 

He felt a bit silly for asking…he was ready to go anyway. Hell, he couldn't think of a time when he wasn't ready to go with CJ. But no one needed a morning of more regrets. While it seemed crazy to think anyone would regret being intimate with their spouse, tonight was different. The rest of their lives hinged on the outcome. 

"Of course I'm sure." 

CJ rolled them over, running her hands down his back. She moaned with she felt him part her thighs. He kissed her neck and heard his name on her lips like a light breeze. She wanted this, wanted him, and wanted them. 

*** 

_Sinking into her is like heaven. I have never felt like this in my life, and even now, with everything as daunting as it is, it still feels so wonderful to make love to her. She gasps as I thrust into her, that little gasp that makes me want her more. Our movements become more frantic as we both give in to our desire and I try to kiss every part of her I can reach. And when we climax, its together, calling each other's names. I collapse on top of her and linger inside her; just the way we both like it._

If I'm careful, he won't see me cry. I love him so much and walking away from the job will not change that. I could never leave this circle of heaven. I could never leave the feeling of him inside me, resting his head on my breast and breathing hard. I could never leave whispered 'I love yous' and the feeling of his spine under my fingers. I am Mrs. Leo McGarry, heart and soul. 

"Hey." He whispered against her neck as he pulled out and rolled over on the mattress. "You alright?" 

She stayed in his arms, relaxed against his body and exhaled. 

"I don't know." She fought the tears and won, managing to hold them at bay. "Hold me tighter." 

"I am baby, I am here and I'm not leaving. Lean on me as long as you need to." 

CJ did, and together they rid themselves of the disasters of the past few weeks. No one knew what the morning light held for their marriage, their jobs, or their reelection campaign. But in Manchester they would always be the McGarrys…nothing would take that away from them. Especially not tonight. 


End file.
